China purchases Hawaii!

Beijing, November 23, 2016 -- In a dramatic piece of post-election news, Premier Hua Wansui just announced that the People's Republic of China has purchased the State of Hawaii from the (formerly) United States of America.  Following a spectacular bidding war between China, India, Japan, and Jeff Bezos, the price for the small but famously beautiful state was believed to be in the range of $5.8-5.9 trillion New American Dollars, or about two thirds of the Chinese portion of the US debt.  In a prepared statement, Japanese Premier Ichiro Suzuki said, "I guess San Diego is still up for grabs?" 

The new region, to be designated the Jap-Haole-Hawaiian Autonomous Region (老外自治区), will be the People's Republic's largest acquisition since Taiwan surrendered peacefully following launch of the Fraternal Invasion Fleet last year. 

"Naturally we're disappointed," Bezos admitted to reporters outside his downtown headquarters in Seattle, South British Columbia.  "But I see it as a win-win deal, since the purchase was made on our site.  By the way, several other nice states are still available in our drop-down 'Great American sell-off' menu. Anyway, we can always station our carrier fleet at the Kindle Republic of Guam."

Some Americans expressed suspicion at the sale of five states so soon after the election, and the prospective sale of others.  "Have you noticed that they're all union states?"  Asked Senator Michael Moore, whose efforts to sell Miami to Raul Castro for sugar futures have been blocked.  "Wall Street started the debt and inflation 'crisis' just to undermine labor!"   

Questions have also been raised about China's need for more real estate.  China already owns two major tropical islands, Hainan and its new Taiwan properties.  The waters of Hainan are, however, considered too polluted for members of China's new Middle Classes for a honeymoon destination.  "And Taiwan just doesn't have the ambiance," one travel agent noted. 

While some say it is "too little, too late," the recent sell-off of US government assets, including not only real estate, but Liberty Bell, the Hollywood sign, the flag on the moon, and naming rights on Mount Trump (formerly Denali) National Park in Alaska, is expected to satisfy the World Bank that in the last days of the Obama administration, the DUSA is finally taking its financial obligations seriously. 

"Well, duh!"  Noted incoming Secretary For Making US Currency Worth Spit, Dave Ramsey.  "Better to lose a few states than all of them!  But if President Obama had followed my advise, like eight years ago . . . "

Thanksgiving will not be celebrated Thursday in the Jap-Haole-Hawaiian Autonomous Region, Premier Hua noted.  "Too many holidays -- time for Americans to work!"

He added, however, that natives could expect to be treated fairly, and participate fully in self-government, as they do in other outlying Chinese territories, such as Taiwan and Tibet.