Monday, May 30, 2016

Lord Sauron Wins the Nobel Peace Prize!

Sauron was awarded, in part,
for his breakthrough in low-carbon
lighting, as exhibited here.
The Nobel Prize Committee yesterday unanimously awarded Sauron the Great the Nobel Prize for Peace, citing his numerous contributions to combatting global warming, along with his efforts to bridge the gap between the Dark Tower and the Orthanc.

"This is the first time a Nobel Prize has been awarded to an individual from the mortality-challenged community," noted Svein Eriksen, spokesman for the committee.  "We regard this as an historical gesture, which we hope will help integrate the so-called 'undead' and the still living, overcoming centuries of unwarranted bias against zombies, werewolves, vampires and the like."

In a spectacular display of technical and engineering inventiveness, sponsored in part by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Sauron lowered temperatures more than 7 degrees C across Gondor, the Rohan, and surrounding regions, some 35,000 square miles in all, over several days.  Some critics contend that this achievement was more than matched during the Medieval Great Darkness (MGD), but after the recent rampage by ent terrorists, no one was able to take any tree samples for comparative purposes.

Inside sources suggest that the White Witch
may have been passed over again
due to accusations of exploiting
polar bears.
"It is pure sexism that denied me the award," complained the White Witch. "It was always winter and never Christmas in Narnia."  However, supporters of the Nobel committee noted that Global Climate change, not necessarily warming, is the problem, suggesting that winter in Narnia may have paradoxically been set off by ice melting in Greenland, which reversed ocean currents in the Mid-Atlantic.

A Dark Rider, exhibiting the manuevering skills of
his low-carbon footprint mount. (With darkened clothing
to enhance solar heating.)    
Sauron was also lauded, off the record, for eco-friendly experiments in rapid transit.  "Nazgul have an extremely low carbon footprint," one official noted, without offering his name.  "Political pressure, however, was brought to bear by lobbyists from the Hobbit Homeland set up by the founder of Shirism, Gandalf the Grey. And as usual, the committee caved."

Furthermore, it was noted in the report that the Eye of Sauron illuminates hundreds of miles without producing much heat, from decaying biomass, presumed to be prisoners.

In response to complaints about Mordor's past military involvements, Eriksen replied with a trace of scorn in his voice.  "Barack Obama?  Henry Kissinger? Yasser Arafat?  Teddy Roosevelt?  People -- or unpeople, let us remain inclusive -- often have a history before they turn over a new leaf.  We welcome such changes of heart -- not to imply that winners must possess a traditional circulatory system to be considered."

Mr. Smeagol Gollum remarked, in a prepared speech, "Well that is just precious."

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