Fisherman Reports Rift Between Trump, Jeffress

Robert Jeffress and Donald Trump

Baltimore, Maryland.  Local fisherman Ronald Breamsport claims he overheard a conversation early morning on the Fourth of July off Annapolis, in which presidential candidate and reality TV star Donald Trump implored Dallas pastor Robert Jeffress to cease supporting his political campaign.

"I looked up from straightening out my fishing tackle after a beer or two, and this hot little speedboat was bearing down on me.  I could read the name -- MV Some Like it REALLY Hot.  These two fellows were arguing so loudly they didn't even notice me -- it was like I was invisible, or something.  I throttled up and got out of the way just before they ran me down."

Breamsport notes that he recognized the passengers of the boat from television.  

"One had this bright orange hair, and was doing most of the talking.   I recognized Donald Trump.  The other was that preacher from Dallas who is always on the O'Reilly show.  I had my cell phone out, so I recorded the conversation.

"'But you can't vote for me!'  Said Trump.  'I've had lots of affairs!  How does that look for a Christian pastor, publicly supporting almost the most profligate candidate for president, ever?'

"'Jesus forgives you!'

"' But I run places that bilk people out of their money!  I sell vice for a living!  We have strip joints in some of them!'

"Doesn't matter!"

"I lie constantly!  You can never trust anything that comes out of my mouth."

"That's all right."

"But I blaspheme!  I mock the lame and preach getting revenge against anyone who crosses you, not love and forgiveness!"

"I don't mind."  

"Gosh, look -- I'm a megalomaniac!   I never ask God for forgiveness, I name everything for myself, and brag constantly, because I have an ego as big as the great outdoors, like all the worst tyrants in the Old Testament that God judged!"

"I still love you."  

Mr. Breamsport then says he witnessed a scene that "Will stay with me the rest of my natural life."  Mr. Trump seize his coiffure on the top of his head and pulled, and two shiny red horns emerged from the skull underneath.   A red, snake-like hook began waving in the air behind Mr. Trump, while lightening crashed and thunder roared in dark clouds that swirled ominously above their heads.  

"But you CAN'T vote for me!"  Trump yelled in exasperation.  "I'm the frickin anti-Christ!"  

"Well, nobody's perfect!" Pastor Jeffress replied with what Mr. Breamsport characterized as a "goofy grin."  

The boat then raced behind a large yacht and was lost to sight.  

When contacted, a spokesman for the Trump campaign responded by saying, "I don't think the American people will prefer the devil they know over the devil they don't know, when the former is behind bars, if you catch my drift."  

Lord Sauron Wins the Nobel Peace Prize!

Sauron was awarded, in part,
for his breakthrough in low-carbon
lighting, as exhibited here.

The Nobel Prize Committee yesterday unanimously awarded Sauron the Great the Nobel Prize for Peace, citing his numerous contributions to combatting global warming, along with his efforts to bridge the gap between the Dark Tower and the Orthanc.

"This is the first time a Nobel Prize has been awarded to an individual from the mortality-challenged community," noted Svein Eriksen, spokesman for the committee.  "We regard this as an historical gesture, which we hope will help integrate the so-called 'undead' and the still living, overcoming centuries of unwarranted bias against zombies, werewolves, vampires and the like."

In a spectacular display of technical and engineering inventiveness, sponsored in part by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Sauron lowered temperatures more than 7 degrees C across Gondor, the Rohan, and surrounding regions, some 35,000 square miles in all, over several days.  Some critics contend that this achievement was more than matched during the Medieval Great Darkness (MGD), but after the recent rampage by ent terrorists, no one was able to take any tree samples for comparative purposes.

Inside sources suggest that the White Witch
may have been passed over again
due to accusations of exploiting
polar bears.

"It is pure sexism that denied me the award," complained the White Witch. "It was always winter and never Christmas in Narnia."  However, supporters of the Nobel committee noted that Global Climate change, not necessarily warming, is the problem, suggesting that winter in Narnia may have paradoxically been set off by ice melting in Greenland, which reversed ocean currents in the Mid-Atlantic.

A Dark Rider, exhibiting the manuevering skills of
his low-carbon footprint mount. (With darkened clothing
to enhance solar heating.)    

Sauron was also lauded, off the record, for eco-friendly experiments in rapid transit.  "Nazgul have an extremely low carbon footprint," one official noted, without offering his name.  "Political pressure, however, was brought to bear by lobbyists from the Hobbit Homeland set up by the founder of Shirism, Gandalf the Grey. And as usual, the committee caved."

Furthermore, it was noted in the report that the Eye of Sauron illuminates hundreds of miles without producing much heat, from decaying biomass, presumed to be prisoners.

In response to complaints about Mordor's past military involvements, Eriksen replied with a trace of scorn in his voice.  "Barack Obama?  Henry Kissinger? Yasser Arafat?  Teddy Roosevelt?  People -- or unpeople, let us remain inclusive -- often have a history before they turn over a new leaf.  We welcome such changes of heart -- not to imply that winners must possess a traditional circulatory system to be considered."

Mr. Smeagol Gollum remarked, in a prepared speech, "Well that is just precious."

Does Richard Carrier Exist II: Claimant to the Throne

Is this Richard Carrier?

A few years ago, several of us had fun deconstructing the alleged existence of a world-renowned philosopher, historian, and all-around polymath named Richard Carrier.  While the original conversation actually took place somewhere between Heaven and Earth, as reported most accurately elsewhere right here on this site, it was also reported in a straighter version here. (As you can see from the former post, I am the "David last name removed" mentioned in the latter post, removed I hope not due to embarrassment.)

Or is this / or that Richard Carrier?

This afternoon, I received notification by e-mail that there is a claimant to Richard Carrier's throne.  This is, of course, not surprising, given what thrones tend to be made of and valued at, especially one of such illustrious and legendary character.  We should not, needless to say, treat such claims with simple naivite.

My Interview with Donald Trump

I continue my election-year coverage with a series of interviews with leading candidates for president.  The first person to drop by -- hey, Don! -- is the winner of yesterday's Republican primary in New Hampshire.  


Congratulations on your victory yesterday!  

Yeah, wasn't that fantastic?  That was the greatest victory EVER.  No one has ever won such a huge victory, anywhere!