Fisherman Reports Rift Between Trump, Jeffress

Robert Jeffress and Donald Trump

Baltimore, Maryland.  Local fisherman Ronald Breamsport claims he overheard a conversation early morning on the Fourth of July off Annapolis, in which presidential candidate and reality TV star Donald Trump implored Dallas pastor Robert Jeffress to cease supporting his political campaign.

"I looked up from straightening out my fishing tackle after a beer or two, and this hot little speedboat was bearing down on me.  I could read the name -- MV Some Like it REALLY Hot.  These two fellows were arguing so loudly they didn't even notice me -- it was like I was invisible, or something.  I throttled up and got out of the way just before they ran me down."

Breamsport notes that he recognized the passengers of the boat from television.  

"One had this bright orange hair, and was doing most of the talking.   I recognized Donald Trump.  The other was that preacher from Dallas who is always on the O'Reilly show.  I had my cell phone out, so I recorded the conversation.

"'But you can't vote for me!'  Said Trump.  'I've had lots of affairs!  How does that look for a Christian pastor, publicly supporting almost the most profligate candidate for president, ever?'

"'Jesus forgives you!'

"' But I run places that bilk people out of their money!  I sell vice for a living!  We have strip joints in some of them!'

"Doesn't matter!"

"I lie constantly!  You can never trust anything that comes out of my mouth."

"That's all right."

"But I blaspheme!  I mock the lame and preach getting revenge against anyone who crosses you, not love and forgiveness!"

"I don't mind."  

"Gosh, look -- I'm a megalomaniac!   I never ask God for forgiveness, I name everything for myself, and brag constantly, because I have an ego as big as the great outdoors, like all the worst tyrants in the Old Testament that God judged!"

"I still love you."  

Mr. Breamsport then says he witnessed a scene that "Will stay with me the rest of my natural life."  Mr. Trump seize his coiffure on the top of his head and pulled, and two shiny red horns emerged from the skull underneath.   A red, snake-like hook began waving in the air behind Mr. Trump, while lightening crashed and thunder roared in dark clouds that swirled ominously above their heads.  

"But you CAN'T vote for me!"  Trump yelled in exasperation.  "I'm the frickin anti-Christ!"  

"Well, nobody's perfect!" Pastor Jeffress replied with what Mr. Breamsport characterized as a "goofy grin."  

The boat then raced behind a large yacht and was lost to sight.  

When contacted, a spokesman for the Trump campaign responded by saying, "I don't think the American people will prefer the devil they know over the devil they don't know, when the former is behind bars, if you catch my drift."  

My Interview with Donald Trump

I continue my election-year coverage with a series of interviews with leading candidates for president.  The first person to drop by -- hey, Don! -- is the winner of yesterday's Republican primary in New Hampshire.  


Congratulations on your victory yesterday!  

Yeah, wasn't that fantastic?  That was the greatest victory EVER.  No one has ever won such a huge victory, anywhere!

Timely Slogans for Every Candidate

(Note: lower-tier candidates, please call direct for volume discounts)


Hillary Clinton:

"Because Charm, Truthfullness, Kindness, and Concrete Positive Achievements aren't Everything."

"Make me President, and I promise I'll obey the Law."

"You can Never have enough Spare Body Parts!"

"Frankenstein was the Real Feminist: Stop the War on Women!"

"Yeah, right.  So you tell me what were you doing on the night of September 11, 2012!"

"Yes I am human!  See!  This is a smile!"


Donald Trump: 

"The Brokest Country Ever, a Real Estate Heir who went Bankrupt Three Times: What Could Go Wrong?"

"Elect a President who will be as rude to America's enemies, as he is to Female Reporters and Ex-Wives."

"Isn't it time EVERYONE hate America?"

"Because America needs more Vulgarity!"

"Facts?  Yeah, well you're ugly!"

"Don't Vote for those Inauthentic Phonys!  Elect the Real Deal!"


Berry Sanders: 

"Because Taxes are Still way too Low!"



"Why Shouldn't We Follow Europe Down the Drain?"

"Twenty Trillion in Debt?  Let's try throwing money at the problem!"

"We Need Our Grandkids' Money More Than They Will!" 

"Obama was a reactionary!"

"Where has Socialism ever not worked?"


Joe Biden:



"Because you know I'll get a paycheck from you, anyway."

"Stand up, America, and take a bow!  Don't be shy!  What are you doing in that Wheelchair after Eight Years of Obama-Biden, anyway?"

"My Party Went to Philadelphia and all they got was this Lousy Political Hack!" 

"Because we ran out of Democrats!"


Ben Carson: 

"Why Don't We Elect Some Nice Guy at Random and See What Happens!"



Jeb Bush:

"No, Seriously, This Really is 2016!"


Carly Fiorina:

"Come on, Guys.  You KNOW you've always wanted a Strong Woman to Boss You Around."

"So NOW why would anyone vote for Hillary?"


Lindsay Graham:

"My good friend John McCain came in second, didn't he?  That's not bad, in such a Big Country!"


Bobby Jindal:

"Let's Count Votes from ALL the World's Democracies, This Time!"


Marco Rubio:

"Don't Blame Me Just Because I'm a Freshman Senator, Too!" 

"Hey, it worked for the Democrats!" 

"You know you want Florida!"


John Kasich:

"You WANT my State!  You NEED my State!" 


Chris Christie:

"Not Nearly as Rude as Donald, Plus I Ran a State!"



"Obama Ate Broccali!  Time for a Change!"


Scott Walker:

"Doh!"

Peter Boghossian sees through everybody.

I've almost given up blogging, since I'm now in China, which seems to have an inexplicable grudge against amiable American web sites, that one included.  But I did happen to notice that Randall Rauser and Tom Gilson have both  been posting on Peter Boghossian, the veritable reincarnation of Socrates in Gnu form, lately.  Readers may have seen my account here of what happened when I challenged Peter to debate long before his book came out, "Peter Boghossian sees through me."  Apparently he's seen through these other guys, too!  He has apparently refused to debate either of them publicly, Rauser on the Unforgettable show that I have also appeared on in the past, on the grounds that he is not a real scholar, or something. 



Good on Peter.  Those of us whose vision has lessened as we grow older, can only feel profound respect for those who gain such powers as the ability to see thoughts over thousands of miles through inches of thick (and in my case, thickening) cranial tissue, and discern the true quality of scholarship they have never read, from otherwise apparently respectable institutions.  (I would be satisfied with a much lesser superpower, like reading two books at the same time with two different eyes.)



Which brings us to Randal's recent post, which made unfortunate light of the esteemed sage (I mean the contemporary one) by comparing him to comic book knights.  I have to say, I think that's all wrong, unnecessary, and even rather mean of our friend Randal.  The real comparison is to a Jedi Knight.  Like the Jedi, Dr. Boghossian knows that he understands Christianity most clearly with a blindfold over his eyes.  This is one of those cases in which perception of the evidence, say by physically reading what Christians say about faith, for instance, would merely distract someone with Jedi powers from what he knows, with unassailable certainty, from serendipitous truth internally mediated, about that pernicious superstition. 



And this is, let me add, a great advantage that Gnu scholars like Boghossian hold over primitive sages like Socrates.  Socrates seemed, poor fellow, to ask people questions because he wanted to know the answers, because he recognized his own ignorance and sought to ameliorate it.  That is hardly any better than asking the way to the train station because you are lost!  Whereas Boghossian asks questions because he knows the vast majority of humanity consists of deluded fools, and he seeks to enlighten them about their foolishness, and offer the Good News that God does not love them, after all.  To me, that is the position a true sage must take.  And here lies  the difference between Randal or I or our readers and a real scholar, like Peter Boghossian: you had to read this post to find out what I think, whereas Dr. Boghossian knows already, without opening his computer, that the likes of you and I hardly engage in anything that can be called "thought" at all.  I have no idea what Justin was thinking, inviting Rauser on with the likes of Peter Boghossian.  Of course, I'm sure Peter knows. 

Deconstructing Inanity: John Loftus runs out of arguments.

Because we Christians have "stunted imaginations," as atheist John Loftus informs us, we often turn to our critics to find arguments for our faith.  This is one valuable service sites like Loftus' own Deconstructing Christianity have sometimes provided.  (Along with the thrill Churchill described of being shot at without effect, and [for new apologists] the sort of practice a lioness gives her cubs in taking down wounded game.)   DC has, in the past, offered at least one interesting argument against Christianity, which properly understood turned out to be an argument for Christianity.  That was John's famous Outsider Test for Faith, which I deconstruct, then reconstruct, in the present edition of Touchstone Magazine, and in a chapter of the forthcoming True Reason.  (Though despite my lack of imagination, I anticipated the argument in Jesus and the Religions of Man (2000), as did G. K. Chesterton in Everlasting Man long before.)

But lately, even after taking on several co-writers, and despite all the imagination their skepticism lends them, Loftus and Co can't seem to think of any real arguments.  They have taken, instead, to posting pictures of criminals who work in churches, scoffing at the sins of Sampson, which needless to say have been picked over before, calling philosopher Alvin Plantinga (of all people) "stupid," and reminding Christians of our want of imagination!

100 Greatest Brits? A Better List.

If Spock is half-human even though
he was born on Vulcan, can
we also claim Churchill as
half-American?

In 2002, the BBC conducted a survey of the "100 greatest Britons."  In some ways, the poll stands as a remarkable measure of what a little island can accomplish, when it puts its head to getting things done.  In another way, I have to say it makes me kind of glad I'm not British anymore . . . that for a few hundred years, our lines have veered apart.

Because how come?

Why?  First, modern Brits who make the list are mostly celebrities, famous for writing songs or having annoying people follow them around with cameras.  It's embarrassing that celebrity culture overshadows history so easily (it frightens me to think what a poll of Americans would reveal -- Eminem as Third Greatest American Ever?).  And second, the real movers and shakers, great men and women who changed the world, largely for the better, mostly lived a long time ago, before the sun ever set.  That was also when (let me add) the Bible had more to say to the hearts of Britain's greatest heroes. 

Let's take them in groups of ten, reserving comments for after each decade.  Then at the end, I'll suggest a few other Brits one might nominate to replace the dingy of this list.  Your suggestions are also welcome.  (Record page reads lately, but readers have been unusually reserved -- we welcome input!) 

1. Winston Churchill, (1874-1965) - Prime Minister (1940-1945, 1951–1955)

2. Isambard Kingdom Brunel, (1806–1859) - Engineer.

3. Diana, Princess of Wales (1961–1997) - First wife of Charles, Prince of Wales; mother of Prince William; Prince Harry of Wales.

4. Charles Darwin (1809–1882) - Naturalist; the originator of the theory of evolution through natural selection and author of 'On the Origin of Species'.

5. William Shakespeare (1564–1616) - English poet; playwright.

6. Sir Isaac Newton (1643–1727) - Mathematician, physicist, astronomer, natural philosopher, and alchemist.

7. Queen Elizabeth I of England (1533-1603) - Monarch (reigned 1558-1603).

8. John Lennon (1940–1980) - Musician with The Beatles.

9. Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson (1758–1805) - Naval commander.

10. Oliver Cromwell (1599–1658) - Lord Protector

 

Churchill?  I'd be happy to keep him in the Top Five.  But was he really greater than Shakespeare, Darwin, or Queen Elizabeth?  Well, maybe . . . there has only been one Hitler in Western history, and Churchill was his greatest foe. 

 

I've never heard of Brunel. Skimming the Wikipedia site, I'm still at a loss at how he reached number two. Let's drop him down a few classes. 

 

Lady Di was greater than William Shakespeare, Queen Elizabeth, or King Alfred?  Was it the hat?  Sorry, Di, your nice charitable work and Elton John aside, I frankly still don't get the "Lady Di" phenomena.   

 

Lennon is going to have to go, too, I'm afraid.  Nice songs, but he should be embarrased, standing on the platform with Shakespeare.  Let's replace Di with John Wesley, Lennon with Charles Dickens, and Brunel with . . . oh, I don't know, let's see who else we find downstream. 

 

11. Sir Ernest Shackleton (1874–1922) - Polar explorer.

Captain Cook sails to glory. 

12. Captain James Cook (1728–1779) - Explorer.
13. Robert Baden-Powell, 1st Baron Baden-Powell (1857–1941) - Boy Scouts; Girl Guides founder.
14. Alfred the Great (849?–899) - King of Wessex (reigned 871–899).
15. Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington (1769–1852) - Military commander, statesman; Prime Minister 1828–1830 ; 1834.
16. Margaret Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher (1925-) - Prime Minister (1979–1990).
17.  Michael Crawford (1942-) - Actor; singer.
18. Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom (1819–1901) - Monarch (reigned 1837–1901).
19. Sir Paul McCartney (1942-) - Musician with The Beatles.
20. Sir Alexander Fleming (1881–1955) - Biologist, pharmacologist, discoverer of penicillin.

Shackleton's story is amazing, his courage and the survival of his crew heroic, but what did he achieve, really?  While I agree with her politics, this seems a bit high for Lady Thatcher, too.  And who is Michael Crawford?  One slot up on Queen Victoria?  And what's with all the Beetles?   

Alfred the Great, who did as much as anyone to make England, probably belongs in the Top Ten.  Queen Victoria is the only other person here who seems a bit low. 

21.  Alan Turing (1912–1954) - Pioneer of computing.
22.  Michael Faraday (1791–1867) - Scientist.
23. Owain Glyndŵr (1359–1416) - Prince of Wales.
24. Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom (1926-) - Reigning monarch (from 1952).
25.  Professor Stephen Hawking (born 1942) - Theoretical physicist.
26. William Tyndale (1494–1536) - English translator of the Bible.
27. Emmeline Pankhurst (1858–1928) - Suffragette.
28. William Wilberforce (1759–1833) - Humanitarian.
29. David Bowie (1947-) - Musician.
30. Guy Fawkes (1570–1606) - English revolutionary.

Aside from the last two, I don't have much to complain about with the third class of greats.  (No, I don't know who 23 is, either.) 

Wilberforce, of course I would move way, way up.  Maybe into the Top Five.  David Bowie, way, way, down -- no not quite into the bottom five.  Off this list, though, along with Guy Fawkes, who is famous mainly for being an incompetent terrorist, and having a fun useless holiday named after him. 

31.  Leonard Cheshire, Baron Cheshire (1917–1992) - Aviator; charity organiser.
32. Eric Morecambe (1926–1984) - Comedian.
33. David Beckham (1975-) - Footballer.
34. Thomas Paine (1737–1809) - Political philosopher.
35. Boudica (died c.60) - Leader of Celtic resistance to Roman Empire.
36. Sir Steve Redgrave (1962-) - Olympic rower.
37. Saint Thomas More (1478–1535) - English saint, lawyer; politician.
38. William Blake (1757–1827) - Author, poet, painter & printer.
39. John Harrison (1693–1776) - Clock designer.

40. King Henry VIII of England (1491–1547) - Monarch (reigned 1509–1547).

Sorry, no "footballers" on my list.  I just don't believe that's possible.  Nor rowers, nor comedians, at least not ones I've never heard of.  This is just trying to pad the 20th Century, and make it look better than it really was. 

If we're going to have Blake, whom I don't mind, shouldn't Chaucer have shown up, yet, or Dickens?  Psychodelic is all right, in its way, but funny is better. 

Henry VIII was great at what, again? 

41. Charles Dickens (1812–1870) - Author.
42. Sir Frank Whittle (1907–1996) - Jet engine inventor.
43. John Peel (1939–2004) - Broadcaster.
44. John Logie Baird (1888–1946) - Television pioneer.
45. Aneurin Bevan (1897–1960) - Labour politician, helped in formation of the National Health Service.
46. Boy George (1961-) - Musician with Culture Club.
47. Sir Douglas Bader (1910–1982) - Aviator & charity campaigner.
48. Sir William Wallace (c.1270–1305) - Guardian of Scotland.
49. Sir Francis Drake (c.1540–1596) - English naval commander.
50.  John Wesley (1703–1791) - Methodism founder.

John Wesley, who changed the world (and for the better, overwhelmingly) comes 4 spots after Boy George, who changed what -- his gender?  Sorry, George, you fall in behind David Bowie.  A broadcaster?  A television pioneer?  What is that?  Off the list. 

51. King Arthur - Celtic monarch of legend.
52. Florence Nightingale (1820–1910) - Nurse.
53. T. E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia) (1888–1935) - Soldier & arabist.
54. Robert Falcon Scott (1868–1912) - Polar explorer.
55. Enoch Powell (1912–1998) - Politician.
56. Sir Cliff Richard (1940-) - Musician.
57. Alexander Graham Bell (1847–1922) - Telephone pioneer.
58. Freddie Mercury (1946–1991) - Musician with band Queen.
59. Dame Julie Andrews (1935-) - Actress & singer.
60. Sir Edward Elgar (1857–1934) - Composer.

I'm tempted to keep Mary Poppins where she is, for fear she flies up with her umbrella and directs bombardments on my position from that looney retired naval commander down the street.  But I'm afraid Cliff Richard and Freddie Mercury are going to have to go.  Actually, the first three and Bell are the only names here whom I'm sure belong. 

61. Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother (1900–2002) - Queen consort.
62. George Harrison (1943–2001) - Musician with The Beatles.
63. Sir David Attenborough (1926-) - Broadcaster.
64. James Connolly (1868–1916) - Scottish born leader of the Irish 1916 rising.
65. George Stephenson (1781–1848) - Railway pioneer.
66.  Sir Charlie Chaplin (1889–1977) - Comic actor, film director.
67. Tony Blair (1953-) - Prime Minister (1997–2007).
68. William Caxton (c.1415~1422–c.1492) - English printer.
69. Bobby Moore (1941–1993) - Footballer; Captain of England 1966 World Cup winning team.
70. Jane Austen (1775–1817) - Author.

All right, all right, I'll let you have one Beetle!  But just pick one.  And no higher than 80th.  George Harrison?  Come on!  Charlie Chaplin I can see.  (But not hear.)   

What did Tony Blair accomplish, exactly?  I liked his debating style, and appreciate the fact that he brought Britain in on the side of the Americans after 9/11.  But he's been a bit of a kiss-up to the Muslims ever since.  I don't see it. 

Jane Austen?  Yeah, I can buy that, maybe even more of it. 

71. William Booth (1829–1912) - Founder of Salvation Army.
72. King Henry V of England (1387–1422) - Monarch (reigned 1413–1422).
73. Aleister Crowley (1875–1947) - Occultist, writer, social provocateur; founder of Thelema.
74. Robert the Bruce (1274–1329) - King of Scots.
75. Bob Geldof (1951-) - Irish musician, philanthropist.
76. The Unknown Warrior - Soldier of the Great War.
77. Robbie Williams (1974-) - Musician; previous member of Take That.
78. Edward Jenner (1749–1823) - Pioneer of vaccination.
79. David Lloyd George, 1st Earl Lloyd George (1863–1945) - Prime Minister (1916–1922).
80. Charles Babbage (1791–1871) - Computing pioneer; mathematician.

To General Booth, "Friend, move up to a better place!"  And to Crowley . . . how did you get in here?  Don't close the door on the way out! 

I had honestly never heard of Robbie Williams: apparently he's a drug-addicted, chain-smoking, morally perverse singer who's managed to sell 70 million albums.  Good for him.  Let the money and the songs (if they are any good, which one must assume they are) be their own reward.  Make another list for "Britain's 100 biggest party-boy celebrities," and you're a shoo-in.  Geldof apparently has done good things with his fame, so I'll let him remain. 

81. Geoffrey Chaucer (c.1343–1400) - Medieval author.
82. King Richard III of England (1452–1485) - Monarch (reigned 1483–1485).

An Englishman on a French
stamp: if that doesn't prove
(publishing) magic, what could?

83. J.K. Rowling (1965-) - Harry Potter Series author.
84. James Watt (1736–1819) - Steam engine developer.
85. Sir Richard Branson (1950-) - Businessman.
86. Bono (1960-) - Irish musician (Singer for Rock Band U2), philanthropist.
87. John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) (1956-) - Musician.
88. Bernard Law Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein (1887–1976) - Military commander.
89. Donald Campbell (1921–1967) - Water speed world record challenger.
90. King Henry II of England (1133–1189) - Monarch (reigned 1154–1189).

Finally Chaucer!  I'll assume Rotten (whoever he is) is just here to pad the 20th Century numbers.  Montgomery?  I have my doubts.  And no "water speed challengers" need apply. 

Bono, I'm happy to include.  The man has good tunes, then parlayed them into doing something good for the world. 

Not Branson, though.  I've heard things, I'm skeptical. 

91. James Clerk Maxwell (1831–1879) - Physicist.
92. J.R.R. Tolkien (1892–1973) - Author; philologist.
93. Sir Walter Raleigh (1552–1618) - English explorer.
94. King Edward I of England (1239–1307) - Monarch (reigned 1272–1307).
95. Sir Barnes Wallis (1887–1979) - Aviation technology pioneer.
96. Richard Burton (1925–1984) - Actor.

Dr. Livingstone, I presume?

97. Tony Benn (1925-) - Politician; formerly 2nd Viscount Stangate.
98. David Livingstone (1813–1873) - Missionary; explorer.
99/ Sir Tim Berners-Lee (1955-) - Internet pioneer; World Wide Web inventor.
100.  Marie Stopes (1880–1958) - Birth control promoter.

Of course Tolkien is too low.  And we've had enough actors.  Tony Benn looks like more padding, as does Marie Stopes. 

But who are we missing? 

Britain is not my country, so Brits reading this have every right to box my ears over my various impieties.  But my ancestors did share most of the history represented by these names, so I'm going to make a few suggestions, anyway:

St. Patrick
John Scotus. 
Roger Bacon. 
John Bunyan. 
John Locke.  (Top 20)
John Milton.  (You can ever have too many Johns. . . )
Francis Bacon. 
Robert Hooke. 
George Handel -- don't tell me the 20th Century (or the devil) had all the best music! 
Robert Boyle, maybe.
William Carey.  (Top 10)
Hudson Taylor. 
Rudyard Kipling
Mary Slessor. 
Timothy Richard.
C. S. Lewis. (You knew I was going to say that!) 
Paul Brand. (Need to include someone I have actually talked with on the list, to satisfy Locke's empiricism.) 

"How about your list of the greatest Americans?"  You ask. 

Let's wait another 500 years for that.  Mary Poppins, after all, was partly about nostalgia for a lost empire.  We should at least wait till the end of the second Obama term, by which time the country's slide from glory should be far enough along to inspire great works of wistfulness. 


 Any more suggestions?

Oxygen Causes Cancer!

This prophetic little piece is from my high school newspaper, the Chinook. I wrote it shortly before or after turning 18.  (The date scribbled on the page is May 2, which is after my birthday, but I think it was published as part of the paper's April Fool's Edition, before my birthday.)  It not only anticipates later trends in government-sanctioned paranoia; it also anticipates the role nutritionists now recognize oxidizing agents actually DO play in causing cancer.  "Buckley" is a small town in Washington, which hosts an institution for the mentally disabled; it's similarity to the name of a town in California with intellectual pretensions is not coincidental, and perhaps marks the author of this piece as developing his present immaturity at an unusually early age. 

Why am I running this?  Aside from the fact that I haven't outrun that bad sense of humor yet, and a fit of nostalgia, I may also be stalling for  time.  I don't want to think anymore, today, and the subject I want to blog on next may require some fresh thoughts.  -- DM


Buckley, WA -- Scientists have discovered a substance in the atmosphere which they have linked to cancer.  This substance, known as oxygen, is labeled extremely hazardous by the Food and Drug Administration. 

The FDA has decided on a law requiring oxygen to be screened in all populated areas, except Los Angeles and West Seattle High School, neither of which have atmosopheres containing significant amounts of oxygen. 

"In the beginning, I see some difficulty in enforcing the law," said a police spokesman.  "Some people have the habit of breathing deeply engrained in them."

"However, once people realize how dangerous oxygen is, they will accept and obey the new law, just as they have the 55-mile speed limit."

The five-year government-funded study by Buckley scientists yielded an astonishing fact.  Researchers discovered that everyone inhaling oxygen in the ancient civilization of Rome died.

One test with female aardvarks showed that 0.00000000013% of all 'varks injested with three megatons of oxygen every ten minutes for 53 years developed some signs of malignancy in the left pinky toenail.  In the group of aardvarks not allowed oxygen, very, very, very few died of cancer. 

Other Buckley research icludes a study financed by the Department of Health, Education and Welfare on the question, "Where do baby storks come from?"

Another test is on the feasibility of screening tap water of the impurity H20, which when combined with a long life can cause cancer.  Scientists hope that by 1984 tap water will be at least 89% chlorine and only 11% H20. 

The Grand Inquisitor & Me

I finally get to check this number off my bucket-list: getting citing as an authority midway between Tomas de Torquemada and Richard Carrier.

Moderation in all things, that's my motto. 

Another dog for Romney

Hello!  My name is Jake!  I live in the little house with the big fence around it, about a rabbit's run from the river with the waterfall.  (My masters can't hear the waterfall from here, but I can a little, when the wind comes from the mountains.)  We also have lots of fruit trees, a grape vine, vegetables, and strawberries, which I never touch, unless my masters first pick them, then throw them at my feet under the kitchen table.  Then everything is delicious, except the lettuce.

I live with four masters: Chief Running Master, Medium Master, Little Master, and the Woman.  (Little Master is not so little, anymore, but that's what I call him, and I haven't thought of a new name, yet.)

All the humans have been talking about "pole ticks" (the doctor gave me a shot for that, I think) and the "lekshun" lately, and asking about the dog's perspective.  Some say a Pubcan named Romney put his dog on the roof of his car and drove him to Canda.  At first I thought I hope he wins and takes me, next time -- Running Master leaves me at home when he drives to Canda, and never lets me ride on the roof.  Others say a Dumb Cat named Obama ate dog on some island across the Wavy Water.  He was just a pup, so I forgive him for that.  But I hear all about the two candits on TV, while Running Master is cooking dinner, and would like to offer my opinion, since I guess its important to you.  I always listen carefully to what humans say, so I hope you listen to my views, this time. 

I would like to endorse Mitt Romney for prezdent, three paws up.

That's how many reasons I have.  Here they are. 

Middle Master "needling" me, and pretending to be mean. 
He doesn't mean it. 

(1) We need more smelly water.  Medium Master is gone during the week, now, and only comes home on weekends.  They say he is at some place called U Dub.  He always comes home in the new car, with Running Master or the Woman driving.  They help the car drink smelly water to make it run.  (I don't know why cars like smelly water, it hurts my nose.)  And since I came to Running Master's house, four snows ago, the numbers by those big cans where they get the smelly water to put in the car's mouth have gotten bigger and bigger.  I'm thinking, "Where is all the smelly water going?  Has Obama's big airplane drunk it all?"  Or maybe people have to dig for it, like I dig for bones I've buried, and he doesn't let people dig, like Running Master sometimes doesn't let me dig. 

Anyway, if there isn't enough smelly water, I'm afraid Middle Master won't be able to come home on the weekend.  He is mean to me a lot -- pretends to eat my food, wrestles with me -- but I really like it, even though I growl.  And maybe if Romney is prezdent, smelly water will get cheaper, and I'll get to drive all the way to Canda, and the Woman can buy more dog treats. 

(2) The Deaf Sit is too big.  Humans are hard to understand when they talk about pole ticks.  When I heard them talking about the Deaf Sit, at first I thought that was a kind of silent hand signal they give you and they want you to sit down, and give you a treat, or at least pat you on the head.  Because Running Master shakes his fist when he says that word.  So every time I heard the word, even without a fist shaking, I would sit down.  I sat a lot of times, but never got a treat. 

So I watched more carefully, and listened (we dogs are good at listening, just not at understanding) and finally figured it out. 

The Deaf Sit means Merika owes other people sixteen trillyun dollars.  I think Merika is like a really big town, all those places they show on TV, with lots of people and dogs, and even some cats.  I don't know what trillyun means, but I think it's like a 50 pound sack of dog food. So that all our dogfood really belongs to someone else, and they might come and take it away some day.  And then when the humans buy another bag of dog food, they would come and take THAT away -- again and again.  Think how you would growl, and want to bite someone. 

And each family, Running Master said (not to me, but I listened), owes as much money as our whole house is worth, including the fence and the trees and the squirrels that run along the fence and the big trees where the raccoons used to hide.  So strange big men with clubs could come some day and kick us out of our house, and we wouldn't even get to growl at them.  We would have to go and live under the bridge, and take baths in the river, even when it's cold.  And everyone would be like that in all of Merka,and I don't think we have enough bridges for everyone to sleep under.   

Maybe that's why they call it a Deaf Sit.  Because you have to just sit under the bridge, when they take your house away, and they don't even let you growl. 

Romney wants to make the Deaf Sit smaller.  I don't know how he'll do that, but I think we need to try. 

It's like scratching on the gate. You never know, sometimes it opens when you scratch on it with your paw.  You need to try.   

(3) Leaders should bring the whole pack home.  We five are a little pack.  We eat dinner at the same time (them on chairs, me under the table, cause I can't sit in a chair), and sleep in the same house.  When strangers come to the gate, I bark, and the humans decide if the strangers are safe or not.  When we go hiking, we go out and come back together.  Running Master opens the back of the car, and I jump in, and sometimes Middle Master and Little Master talk to me, and sometimes I sleep because I'm tired from climbing mountains, and waiting for them to catch up. 

Merika is a really big pack, I think.  I hear on TV that there are other packs -- Turkey (I'd like to chase that one), Greece (lick lick lick!), Germany (that's where some of my ancestors come from). 

So what's my point?  I'm getting to it. 

Just before Middle Master went to U Dub, some terrists came to the gate of a Merkan house somewhere, and tried to kill everybody.  The people who lived there didn't have a dog, so the humans had to fight the terrists by themselves. 

Some other members of the Merkan pack wanted to help.  They are like good hiking buddies, they always bring members of their pack home.  But Obama said they couldn't.  Or one of Obama's friends said they couldn't, I'm not sure.  He wanted to pretend like there was no fight. Anyway, the fight went on for a long time -- as long as hiking all day in the mountains, and swimming too, and chasing a few squirrels.  They had plenty of time to bring more of our pack and beat up the terrists, shoot guns and start lawn mowers to scare them away, or maybe use light sabers like on TV.  Obama keeps saying he told his pack to help, but then he won't tell us what really happened, or why they didn't.  So the terrists killed the humans in our pack, and Obama did nothing to stop it.  Then he kept saying how he'd done everything he could, and how everything he did was right, but he wouldn't say why nobody went to help the Merkans. 

We dogs don't like this.  We are loyal to our packs.

So I think we need a new pack leader, and make the leader we have now go sit in the dog house.  

(4) Finally, of course (I thought of another), I would never vote for a Dumb Cat. .

Thank you for listening to me. 

Your faithful servant,

Jake. 

2016 election cancelled!

Update: the 2016 election has been cancelled, except in southern states.  Western states are due to be auctioned off to settle the National Debt on January 31st, 2013, with China and Japan the leading contenders for the choice states, and India a dark horse.  New York City has been bought by a Saudi Prince as a theme park: the New England states will be paved for parking.  Midwest states have petitioned Canada for admission.  The District of Columbia will secede as an independent kingdom, with five royal golf courses in Virginia and Maryland (this took some negotiating, and repeated Air Force flyovers) to settle the Royal Nerves after the close reelection victory. 

RNA World Scenario (chicken version)

RNA (Redundantly Nuked Apiary) World scenario for the origin of life on a life-less planet.

Begin with 10 ^ 12 chickens, recently deceased  (Colvin 2012). 

Italian parsley (freshly picked from roots.)
Oregano (dried leaves)
Place in 10 ^ 12 microwave ovens.*

* Helpful Preparation Tip: To save time, locate a planet on which chickens or chicken-like beings have been the dominant life-form, near a star about to go supernova.

The Devil Beats John Loftus to the Punch, Again.

(Taking a short break from our Shroud series, to be continued.) 

Our friend John Loftus recently posted the following "novel argument" against Christianity on his web site:

1) If Christianity is true then the Christian faith will probably not die out if Christians stop proselytizing.

(2) The Christian faith will probably die out if Christians stop proselytizing.

(3) Therefore Christianity is [probably] false.

I hate to pop your bubble, John -- and I knew you would pride yourself on its supposed originality -- but this argument actually is at least 2,000 years old, possibly several billion years in formulation:

Then the devil took Him to the holy city and had Him stand on the highest point of the temple. ”If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

‘He will commend His angels concerning you and they shall lift you up in their hands, So that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”

In other words, If Christianity is true, then Jesus would not get hurt if he threw himself down. But Jesus (John, and maybe the devil, suppose) would die. Therefore Christianity is falsified, in John's mind (and maybe that of the devil, too).

Nice try, John, but the fallen angels beat you to it, again. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to get the inside track on Scratch, when it comes to bad ideas.  (If science is defined as "thinking God's thoughts after him," what is this?)

And, of course, Jesus did not throw himself down, but did rise from the dead, achieving his own goals in his own way.

The "Carrier Myth" Debate

The following debate occurred in a smoke-filled Virtual Cafe somewhere in space between geeky Christians.  They saw the spring sun shining outside their windows, but rather than going outside and enjoying it as is healthful, fell into a mood to poke cheerful fun at a "famous historian" who sorely tempts that muse of satire and whimsy which emerges in spring with the tulips.     

Some participants, no doubt recognizing the gravity of being cited positively on this blog, asked to be honored with anonymity.  So let us cast this as one of Zhuang Zi's parables, and give the disputants properly distinguished, sagely titles.  Let us imagine them splitting sunflower seeds, drinking tea, and chatting about the strange goings-on on Earth below, as the Great Conversation takes a strange bypath (cue Twilight Zone background music) by that mighty Stoica in the Sky.  The symposium begins with a paper read by a senior sage, who looks somewhat like an elderly Tim McGrew. 

Socrates: The initial odds that Richard Carrier exists are -- let's be generous -- a hundred to one in favor of the proposition.

Who is dumbing down our fortune cookies?

The media has been abuzz lately with concerns about Wall Street.   Is Big Oil gouging consumers?  Has Big Auto been corrupted by crony capitalism?  Is the Green Anti-Industrial Complex ruining us for competition with China and India?  Is the 1% somehow oppressing the 99%?

All the while, a far more insidious perversion of the market seems to be taking place right under our noses -- literally. 

Ode to Blind Faith (and John Loftus).

Dedicated to all those who spread the Blind Faith Meme.

God told Abe to camp by Tel Aviv,
While giving no cause to believe
That would satisfy scientists named Steve
Isaac laughed, and Sarah felt empirically relieved. 

Hang-gliding Moses ascended Sinai.
In the face of Reason -- off he did fly!
Jehovah seemed epistemologically shy.  
Madame Ramses stayed home and cried.

Elijah lugged twelve rocks together.
His mind clean at the end of its tether.
"No proof!  And now all this bad weather!
Worse -- the smell of barbecued leather!"

Our Lord refused to give any syn.
Not a single trigonometrical line.
Nor did he heal all the empirically blind.
But three days later, fished Galilee without any line. 

-- David Marshall, 3/9/2012