Monday, September 17, 2012

2016 election cancelled!

Update: the 2016 election has been cancelled, except in southern states.  Western states are due to be auctioned off to settle the National Debt on January 31st, 2013, with China and Japan the leading contenders for the choice states, and India a dark horse.  New York City has been bought by a Saudi Prince as a theme park: the New England states will be paved for parking.  Midwest states have petitioned Canada for admission.  The District of Columbia will secede as an independent kingdom, with five royal golf courses in Virginia and Maryland (this took some negotiating, and repeated Air Force flyovers) to settle the Royal Nerves after the close reelection victory. 


Jason Pratt said...

Yeah, here in the South we kinda carry the rest o' y'all anyway. So no great loss. {g!}

(If the President thinks he can keep those golf courses in the sovereign state of Virginia, though...)


David B Marshall said...

So which Reb state do you inhabit, again?

Jason Pratt said...

Tennessee, the Volunteer State!

More seriously, we just had the 150th anniversary of Shiloh here, and finished buying back most of the key battleground area, about two hours south. The first largescale casualties of the war on both sides; a brutal shock to everyone after about a year of minor skirmishing. Also known as "The Day The War Became Uncivil" and "The Devil's Own Two Days". :(

Less seriously, I saw in the news today that the Northwest Passage should be entirely clear by 2016, at which time Canada will have taken the US' position as the breadbasket of the world; so those midwest states will have gotten a great deal if Canada accepts them. Washington State would be well advised to be bought by Canada, too! {lol!}


David B Marshall said...

Jason: Yes, you may have noticed that in my earlier spoof (linked above) I cite a press release from Jeff Bezos from his downtown office in "Seattle, South British Columbia."

Looks like I'll be speaking in Huntsville, Alabama in February. I'm hunting up speaking engagements in the area now, including Tennessee. If you know someone who is a pastor and wants his people to learn all about Christianity and world religions, the New Atheism, China, or one of my other topics, please let me (and him / her) know!

Doc Johnny said...

I think it is somewhat ironic that the states that receive the most federal aid are southern republican dominated states.

States Receiving Most in Federal Spending Per Dollar of Federal Taxes Paid:
1. D.C. ($6.17)
2. North Dakota ($2.03)
3. New Mexico ($1.89)
4. Mississippi ($1.84)
5. Alaska ($1.82)
6. West Virginia ($1.74)
7. Montana ($1.64)
8. Alabama ($1.61)
9. South Dakota ($1.59)
10. Arkansas ($1.53)

States Receiving Least in Federal Spending Per Dollar of Federal Taxes Paid:
1. New Jersey ($0.62)
2. Connecticut ($0.64)
3. New Hampshire ($0.68)
4. Nevada ($0.73)
5. Illinois ($0.77)
6. Minnesota ($0.77)
7. Colorado ($0.79)
8. Massachusetts ($0.79)
9. California ($0.81)
10. New York ($0.81)

I don't really see the south as being the one doing the "carrying".

David B Marshall said...

Doc: "Aid" is not the same thing as "spending." A lot of the states in your first list are largely owned by the federal government. That's certainly true of Alaska. Naturally, the feds spend a lot on their own property.

Furthermore, there are a lot of Native Americans in your first list. Indians vote reliably Democratic, but I think reservations also soak up a lot of federal dollars. Mississippi, Alabama, and Arkansas have a lot of poor people, who probably tend to be in somewhat the same position.

Your second list is largely urban or suburban. Naturally, tax rates are higher for people in urban areas, since the tax code is progressive.

Jason Pratt said...

Also, I was being self-critically humorous in the spirit of the original post, and actually was thinking of something other than government aid: southerners have a tendency to imagine ourselves as super-patriotic compared to other states. No big deal if all the rest of you leave, we're the real United States anyway. We'll just do our own voting.

In hindsight, I perhaps should have added a detail I considered but rejected: "first thing we'll do is vote slavery back in!" But I was afraid someone would take me seriously about that.

Being pedantic I'll also point out that only slightly less than 1/3 of the top aid receivers are southern states. Most of us are in the middle, not the top or bottom 10. No one in their right mind would consider Alaska, Montana, or the Dakotas as southern states. Maybe West VA and DC are considered "the south" by other people, but not here in the south--although they respect WestVA as being honorary 'south'. {g} I know people who would sooner pee on an electric fence than regard DC as southern. New Mexico is western or southwest, not really "the south".

Those may all be Republican dominated states for all I know, though. {shrug} That seems more important to your point anyway. :)


David B Marshall said...

You keep away from those electric fences, now.