Oxygen Causes Cancer!

This prophetic little piece is from my high school newspaper, the Chinook. I wrote it shortly before or after turning 18.  (The date scribbled on the page is May 2, which is after my birthday, but I think it was published as part of the paper's April Fool's Edition, before my birthday.)  It not only anticipates later trends in government-sanctioned paranoia; it also anticipates the role nutritionists now recognize oxidizing agents actually DO play in causing cancer.  "Buckley" is a small town in Washington, which hosts an institution for the mentally disabled; it's similarity to the name of a town in California with intellectual pretensions is not coincidental, and perhaps marks the author of this piece as developing his present immaturity at an unusually early age. 

Why am I running this?  Aside from the fact that I haven't outrun that bad sense of humor yet, and a fit of nostalgia, I may also be stalling for  time.  I don't want to think anymore, today, and the subject I want to blog on next may require some fresh thoughts.  -- DM


Buckley, WA -- Scientists have discovered a substance in the atmosphere which they have linked to cancer.  This substance, known as oxygen, is labeled extremely hazardous by the Food and Drug Administration. 

The FDA has decided on a law requiring oxygen to be screened in all populated areas, except Los Angeles and West Seattle High School, neither of which have atmosopheres containing significant amounts of oxygen. 

"In the beginning, I see some difficulty in enforcing the law," said a police spokesman.  "Some people have the habit of breathing deeply engrained in them."

"However, once people realize how dangerous oxygen is, they will accept and obey the new law, just as they have the 55-mile speed limit."

The five-year government-funded study by Buckley scientists yielded an astonishing fact.  Researchers discovered that everyone inhaling oxygen in the ancient civilization of Rome died.

One test with female aardvarks showed that 0.00000000013% of all 'varks injested with three megatons of oxygen every ten minutes for 53 years developed some signs of malignancy in the left pinky toenail.  In the group of aardvarks not allowed oxygen, very, very, very few died of cancer. 

Other Buckley research icludes a study financed by the Department of Health, Education and Welfare on the question, "Where do baby storks come from?"

Another test is on the feasibility of screening tap water of the impurity H20, which when combined with a long life can cause cancer.  Scientists hope that by 1984 tap water will be at least 89% chlorine and only 11% H20. 

China purchases Hawaii!

Beijing, November 23, 2016 -- In a dramatic piece of post-election news, Premier Hua Wansui just announced that the People's Republic of China has purchased the State of Hawaii from the (formerly) United States of America.  Following a spectacular bidding war between China, India, Japan, and Jeff Bezos, the price for the small but famously beautiful state was believed to be in the range of $5.8-5.9 trillion New American Dollars, or about two thirds of the Chinese portion of the US debt.  In a prepared statement, Japanese Premier Ichiro Suzuki said, "I guess San Diego is still up for grabs?" 

The new region, to be designated the Jap-Haole-Hawaiian Autonomous Region (老外自治区), will be the People's Republic's largest acquisition since Taiwan surrendered peacefully following launch of the Fraternal Invasion Fleet last year. 

"Naturally we're disappointed," Bezos admitted to reporters outside his downtown headquarters in Seattle, South British Columbia.  "But I see it as a win-win deal, since the purchase was made on our site.  By the way, several other nice states are still available in our drop-down 'Great American sell-off' menu. Anyway, we can always station our carrier fleet at the Kindle Republic of Guam."

Some Americans expressed suspicion at the sale of five states so soon after the election, and the prospective sale of others.  "Have you noticed that they're all union states?"  Asked Senator Michael Moore, whose efforts to sell Miami to Raul Castro for sugar futures have been blocked.  "Wall Street started the debt and inflation 'crisis' just to undermine labor!"   

Questions have also been raised about China's need for more real estate.  China already owns two major tropical islands, Hainan and its new Taiwan properties.  The waters of Hainan are, however, considered too polluted for members of China's new Middle Classes for a honeymoon destination.  "And Taiwan just doesn't have the ambiance," one travel agent noted. 

While some say it is "too little, too late," the recent sell-off of US government assets, including not only real estate, but Liberty Bell, the Hollywood sign, the flag on the moon, and naming rights on Mount Trump (formerly Denali) National Park in Alaska, is expected to satisfy the World Bank that in the last days of the Obama administration, the DUSA is finally taking its financial obligations seriously. 

"Well, duh!"  Noted incoming Secretary For Making US Currency Worth Spit, Dave Ramsey.  "Better to lose a few states than all of them!  But if President Obama had followed my advise, like eight years ago . . . "

Thanksgiving will not be celebrated Thursday in the Jap-Haole-Hawaiian Autonomous Region, Premier Hua noted.  "Too many holidays -- time for Americans to work!"

He added, however, that natives could expect to be treated fairly, and participate fully in self-government, as they do in other outlying Chinese territories, such as Taiwan and Tibet.